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This story is the property of the owner.
Warning: This story contains shounen ai, a m/m relationship. If you don't like it don't read it. Rated PG.
When the Heavens Mourn
The waves are crashing against the shore with a violence only nature can produce. White flecks of sea foam fly into the air with each wave's arrival, lost in the growling darkness of the sky. Wind blows, harsh and chilling, adding power to the waves and carrying droplets of sea water to the shore, where they strike against my face like shards of ice. I imagine I can feel them cutting into my skin, drawing blood.
The coldness surrounds me as I sit here. The sand beneath me is wet and rough against the flesh of my legs and slowly seeps the warmth from my body. I've sat here for so long that I'm all but soaked from the droplets of water carried in from the sea. I feel raw from the constant force of the wind and I can feel each and every grain of sand against my skin.
I contemplated going home once. Hours ago. I haven't since then. Being here feels right. Bleak and desolate and bitter. So appropriate, here of all places. An angel has died and nature, at least, has the decency to mourn while mankind celebrates.
Kaworu.
I can still hear his voice, see his eyes, feel his touch; all filled with love and tenderness, as he took an unwanted child and taught me how much I was loved, how wonderful it could feel to let down my walls and barriers and let another person inside. He taught me that two small words can change everything.
Ai shiteiru.
Oh, Kuru-kun. I drop back, lying sprawled across the sand, my eyes wide open to the angry sky above me. Why did you have to be an angel?
Why did I have to kill you?
He knew. From the instant he first smiled at me, touched me, kissed me, loved me, he knew that one of us wouldn't live through this. And I think he knew it would be him. Did he know I would discover his betrayal? Did he know I would be the one to end it all?
His red-rose eyes gazing up at me. His gentle mouth forming a smile, calm and loving.
I close my eyes and refuse to remember what happened next.
What if our positions had been reversed? What if it had been me, Kaworu? Would you have struck the final blow?
A part of me says yes. He was an angel. A killer. One of the beings whom had shattered both the Earth and humanity itself. He had come to us under false pretenses, filled with lies and hidden motives. He betrayed us-
he betrayed me
-and he would have killed me in an instant if he'd had the chance.
My mind tells me it's true. That there can be no doubt. But my heart... My heart remembers soft whispers of love in the middle of the night, when he thought I was asleep.
My heart knows that if our positions were reversed, it would be Kaworu lying on this empty beach, slowly trying to freeze the pain from his soul.
I love you, Shinji.
I know you did, Kuru-chan. God help me, I know you did. Tears burn at my eyes. And dear God help me, I love you too.
And I never told you.
The tears come, warm tracks of wetness slipping down the sides of my face. There is a heavy pressure sitting directly atop my heart, growing heavier with each year shed. I struggle to control myself, suddenly certain that if I don't keep everything tied up and locked away it'll burst free and never stop. Nothing has ever hurt this much. My father's cold neglect, the loss of innocence when I chose to become an Eva pilot, Toji's death... nothing compares.
My battle for restraint is lost and a harsh sob forces its way past my lips, the first of many.
I don't know how long I lay there. Forever, it may as well have been, because I have long since stopped caring about such things. I am content to let night fall and the coldness envelop me, hiding me from everything and everyone. Maybe, someday, I'll be able to hide the pain away in a place where even I won't be able to find it again, but for now, the darkness is my only protection.
The sobs eventually fade as I run out of breath and I am reduced to lying there, limp and lifeless, unable to move as I gasp for breath, my lungs burning, my throat raw, my face covered with the tracks a thousand tears. I wish the coldness would hurry up already, I'm tired of the pain.
I almost don't feel the first touch, a soft hand wiping the tears from my cheek. I ignore it, thinking... thinking it a breeze, a product of my dreams and wishes. Something, I don't know what. But it comes again, repeating the motion on my other cheek, and my breath catches in my throat. "Dare-?"
Strong arms wrap around me and pull me up, cradling me against a firm chest. The sudden warmth I feel is everything I don't want, and I push away. "Let go!"
"Shinji."
No. My blood runs cold and I find myself freezing on the inside, but instead of hiding the pain, it only amplifies it. Somehow I find the strength to open my eyes, feeling them tear up again as a gust of sand-laden wind hits me directly in my face. I hear an apologetic murmur, and I am shifted until my face is pressed against the crook between throat and shoulder. I am suddenly sheltered and warm.
My heart is trying to remember how to beat.
"Shin-chan? Look at me? Please?"
"Iie," I whisper hoarsely. "I don't know who you are, but I want you to leave me alone."
The arms around me tighten, and he leans over me, to press his face against the top of my head. "Please, Shin-chan. I'll leave if you want me to, but all I ask is to see your eyes one more time."
"You're not him."
"I am."
"Masaka." My denial turns into a pained moan and I shake my head. "He's dead. I killed him and he's dead."
"You know it's me." A hand rubs over my back, trying to warm me. "You know my voice, my touch. You know me, itooshi. You always have, always will. Just as I know you."
I shudder in his embrace and feel another sob tearing at my chest. "I killed you."
"My body died in a war. My soul is here with you."
Something is breaking inside me. "Kaworu?"
"Hai. I'm here."
For the first time I have the strength to raise my head and see the face of the person holding me, the person who must be - but can't be - the one I love.
Silver hair, the color of moonlight, eyes as red as roses and the most exquisite wine, skin paler than mine that seems to shine with some sort of inner light. His smile... I've seen that smile dozens of times but it's never shone so brightly as it does now. The last of the ice inside me breaks apart and in an instant I'm suddenly warm again, from the inside out. "Kaworu." My voice breaks on the last syllable.
His smile becomes just that much brighter and I can't resist him any more. With a choked cry I press myself against him and wrap my arms around him so tight that there's no way he could ever get away from me without my permission. "How?" I whisper, exhausted and scared. "How? You died, Kaworu."
"I know. I am sorry, Shinji." A soft kiss is pressed against my head and the arms around me tighten ever so slightly. "If I could have changed that- If I could have spared you that pain, I would have."
None of this is making any sense, but I can't quite make myself care. He's here, he's holding me, safe and warm in his arms, and I can't make myself care about anything else. Kaworu, apparently, feels differently, because he begins speaking again.
"I'm here for you, Shinji. To beg your forgiveness for lying to you, to try and make up for causing you pain. To tell you one last time how much I love you before I have to leave."
Leave? "No! Don't leave. Not again. I-" Terror is filling me, panic overriding reason and I clutch him all the closer. "I can't lose you again, Kuru. It almost killed me. A second time-" I can't say it, can only close my eyes against the tears, afraid that he'll disappear any second.
He shifts and tried to ease away, but I refuse to loosen my hold. "Shinji..." he sighs. "Oh, my koibito." Carefully cupping my face with one hand, he urges me to look up. I do so, opening my eyes with the utmost reluctance, terrified of what I'll see in his eyes. He only graces me with a sweet, sad smile and lowers his head to mine. His lips are warm and soft against mine in a gentle, delicate kiss. My lips part and he accepts the invitation, deepening the kiss until we are both trembling and out of breath. "Ai shiteiru," he whispers softly. "It's all I have to offer you, Shinji. My love. My promise that it will be forever."
I raise one hand slowly to rest against his cheek. He turns his head, pressing against my palm. "How long?" I ask him quietly. "How long can you stay?"
His eyes are sad. "Only long enough to say goodbye."
I swallow against a rush of fear. "Then will you say goodbye, Kuru-chan?" I kiss him again, softly and gently, treating him like the precious gift he is. "Will you tell me you love me one last time?"
He traces one delicate finger along the side of my face, his expression serious. "Shinji, I will tell you I love you for the rest of your life, and for all eternity after. All you have to do is listen."
I smile then, and pull him toward me.
Our lovemaking is slow and gentle, with no secrets between us this time and afterwards we hold each other, laying on the sand beneath a star-filled sky, listening to the wind dying off and the waves slowly receding with the tide. My heart aches knowing how much time may pass before I hold him again.
I raise myself up, propping my weight on my elbow, and gaze down at him. His eyes are drifting shut and his smile is as much sleepy as sated. Carefully, I lean over and brush my lips against his forehead. He murmurs, a pleased sound and I move lower to rest a soft, butterfly kiss on each eyelid. I press my forehead against his and whisper to the night all I have to give him.
"Ai shiteiru."
His eyes fly open and his gaze meets mine, jeweled red to dusky blue. I almost can't bear to see the joy in his eyes, and I wish I'd had the courage to tell him before. "Always you," I say, my voice hoarse with emotion. "Until the day I die and for all eternity after." I repeat his words, making them a vow between us. A promise of foreverafter.
We sleep tangled in each other's arms, keeping each other warm.
When I wake, he is gone.
owari
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