The Sentinel and all related characters are the property of Pet 
Fly Productions, Paramount and UPN. No copyright 
infringement is intended. No profit is being made. 
 
This story and all original characters are the property of the 
author.

<majik ignores rousing chorus of: "Oh God, she's back! 
RUN!! and continues to stick pins in her handmade Alex doll.>

Notes: I watched the season premiere tonight and was pretty 
much satisfied. Granted, the whole beach scene had me 
promising death and bloodshed to the point where my friends 
were almost afraid, but overall, it was much better than it could 
have been. Frankly, I was fearing something along the lines of 
'Inside Man' - no emotion, all formula. There *were* a couple 
things I wish had been dealt with, and this is my way of dealing 
with some of those questions.

Found on my webpage: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/8868/

Elves, please link from: 
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/8868/s2p2ep.txt

Minor warning for language.

________

What Matters Most



If you asked him about it later, he'd be able to tell you what 
happened rationally. Right then though, all Jim could remember 
feeling was panic, all he remembered was terror and all he saw 
was his best friend walking away from him - forever.

He didn't think he'd ever be able to forget the look on Blair's 
face or the tone of his voice. A quiet accusation, an expression 
of pain and a catch in his voice as he turned away, unwilling or 
unable to face Jim any longer.

Jim's heart was beating so fast it hurt as he reached out and 
touched Blair's shoulder. He froze and Jim prayed it was 
surprise, not fear or worse, then the younger man's shoulders 
slumped as he turned to face his friend, a resigned expression 
on his face. "Why can't we ever do this the easy way, Jim?"

"It's not our style, Chief," Jim said with sad humor, smiling 
somehow and feeling like the muscles of his face were frozen. 

"Yeah, I guess it isn't." His voice had no humor in it, just 
regret and sadness. Jim hated that Blair was thinking of three 
years of friendship that way when all Jim saw was the best time 
of his life. But then, he reflected sadly, Blair had considerable 
reason to see it that way, didn't he? Reason Jim had very 
recently given him.

< "How could you?" Were the first words he spoke after they 
returned to the hotel that night, Alex safely locked away, 
Megan and Simon vanished to their own rooms to clean and 
change and sleep. "She killed me, Jim. She hit me over the 
head with a gun and drowned me until I stopped breathing and 
my heart stopped beating. Do you have any idea how terrifying 
that was?" His eyes were dark and wet and heartbreaking. "I 
died. Because of her. But you brought me back - I thought you 
did anyway, I told myself you did. Then everything was better 
in a second because I was alive, we'd made up and you and 
Simon were going to track her down and drag her to prison 
which was the least of what she deserved. And idiot that I am, 
I thought things would get better."

"Blair-" He cut Jim off before the older man could say more 
than his name.

"And then, I see you taking off in the middle of the night and I 
think, hell maybe he can use some backup. The vision thing 
obviously worked and why else would you run out in the 
middle of the night other than to track down Alex, right?" he 
practically spat the last word at Jim and he winced, but stayed 
silent, accepting the angry words. Blair slashed the air with one 
hand and paced away from him. "Imagine my surprise when I 
find you, my best fucking friend, making time with the person 
who *killed me!*" he was almost screaming and a distant part 
of Jim's mind wondered how much of this Simon was hearing 
in the next room.

Blair glared at him. "I should have turned around right then. I 
should have left you on that beach, gotten my things from the 
hotel and caught the first plane back to the States. Considering 
the way things were heading, I probably could have moved out 
and found a new place somewhere on the other side of the 
continent before you even noticed I was gone!" He shakes his 
head and laughs a hiccuping laugh that spoke of harshly 
repressed tears.  "But *nooo* I had to stick it out. How many 
times was it, Jim? Three? That I know of. Three times you 
showed me just how important I was in the grand scheme. Shit, 
I used to be smarter than that." He shook his head, eyes tightly 
shut. "Well I'm not completely stupid, at least. Goodbye, Jim." 
And he was heading for the door and something in Jim
twisted. >

Jim wet his lips nervously, fully aware of how much rested on 
what he said next. All he could think of was the truth. "In the 
temple... In the grotto, I had a vision. Several of them really."

The sadness gained a hint of bitterness. "You want I should 
interpret?" he asked bitingly.

Jim shook his head. "I know what they mean, Blair. They... 
Everything was death. I saw everyone die, Megan, Simon... I 
thought I was going insane. Enchaca told me that I must allow 
my spirit to speak." He forced himself to look Blair directly in 
the eyes and the pain there cut him so deeply he could feel it 
himself. "He said I had to let the light shine from within." 
Sadly, Jim held one hand to the side of Blair's face, afraid his 
friend would brush him away, shy from his touch. He didn't. "I 
saw you, Blair."

Surprise, relief, maybe hope, then anger again. "That's really 
nice, Jim, but-"

"He said I had to face what I feared most," Jim said quickly. 
Jim had his chance to speak, and he knew he had to tell 
everything. If Sandburg walked away, only knowing he'd done 
everything to keep Blair with him would save Jim's sanity; 
maybe that knowledge would grant him peace because he knew 
not even death would be enough to fix the damage that would 
be done to his heart if his Guide left. "I saw you. Dead and hurt 
and dying. A dozen different ways. I- It scared me. And I saw 
you the way we'd found you, at the University, lying on the 
grass beside the fountain. I remembered trying to make you 
breathe." He could still remember every detail with the 
slightest thought. The cold water soaking his clothes and the 
rock he was kneeling on, the growing crowd of spectators, 
panicked voices, all vague compared to the feel of Blair's skin, 
cold and still, his hair wet beneath Jim's fingers, his lips cold 
against Jim's own, his heartbeat gone and his smile broken. Jim 
remembered. 

He raised his other hand, and cupped Blair's face between his 
hands, still meeting those blue eyes. "I saw you then. Only you, 
Blair. My nightmares and hallucinations were a jumble of 
memories and fears, most of them vague. But when I faced my 
soul and confronted my fears, all I saw was all the different 
ways I might lose you." He steadied his voice and spoke in a 
firm clear voice, wanting this to be brutally clear. "I didn't see 
Alex once. She was never a factor when it came to what 
mattered. My instincts," he grimaced, "my hormones even, 
maybe, focused on her to an extent, but even then... I never 
answered your question, Blair."

"Question?" The younger man's eyes were questioning and 
curious, and Jim took heart from that as much as from the fact 
that Blair had yet to pull away from his touch.

"You asked me which instinct was stronger, protecting Alex, 
or stopping her. That day, on the beach, that was my answer, 
whether I knew it or not. I-" he almost choked on his words, 
hating to say them, hating the pain it would cause Blair, but 
Blair deserved the truth, and needed it. They both did right 
then. "I wanted her," he admitted, able to hear the regret and 
shame in his voice and hoping Blair could as well. "It was 
worse than the last time - you remember the first year we were 
together-"

"The thief, yeah. You acted like a horny teenager every time 
she came near you."

"Exactly." Jim felt a flash of relief that Blair had replied. "It 
was a hundred times more powerful than that was. I don't 
know if I was thinking - I only remember the trip to the beach 
as vague flashes of memory. A tree here, a car there, none of it 
fitting together in any sort of sense." He steadied himself with 
a deep breath, not particularly happy to be where his memories 
were taking him. "I swear to you, Blair, it's mostly a haze. 
Like a dream you don't remember very well after you wake up. 
Nothing started seeming real until I heard your voice." An 
angry and hurt voice that had ripped through the fog of 
instinctual lust and brought Jim mostly back to himself - mostly 
because he hadn't killed her the second he realized who she 
was. Right that moment, feeling Blair's pulse beating too fast, 
and hearing his breath strained with emotion, Jim didn't think 
anything would feel quite so nice as the trigger giving way 
beneath his finger as he dealt with Alex once and for all. He 
couldn't though. He could never risk being anywhere near her 
again - not if it would hurt Blair like this again. "She pointed 
that gun at you and suddenly everything I felt pushing me to 
her faded. Getting that gun pointed somewhere else became a 
hundred times more important."

"You still let her go," he pointed out flatly. "You let her get up 
and walk away."

"I did." Jim nodded once. "Will my apology mean anything to 
you? You have it. I am so sorry, Blair. Right now, I don't 
know why I did what I did, why I let her leave like that. I look 
back now and it makes no sense. I don't really remember 
*why* I decided to let her go, or what seemed so damned 
important about protecting her to begin with. But at the time... 
it made sense then. Somehow." He closed his eyes. "I will 
spend the rest of my life apologizing if you let me."

"She *killed* me," Blair whispered and it broke Jim's heart. "I 
thought.. I meant... more."

"You do. Oh, God, Blair." Jim dropped  his hands from Blair's 
face only to take him by the shoulders and pull him close and 
hold him tight. He slid his arms around Blair's back, holding 
his friend as tight and as close as he could. "You mean 
everything. If she hadn't turned the gun away, if she'd gone 
through with her threat to open the canister, I would have 
stopped her. She was never more important than you. The 
visions only showed me what I already knew inside. Alex was 
nothing, and the thought that I would lose you was the most 
horrifying thing I could think of." Something caught in his 
chest and his breath came in a broken sob. "I faced my greatest 
fear in that grotto and it was losing you. Keeping that from 
happening was the only thing that mattered from that point on. 
Sentinel instincts be damned, I did what I did then to keep you 
safe."

Slowly, tentatively, Blair reached around Jim and returned the 
embrace. "I... I wish..."

Jim laughed hollowly. "I wish."

Blair speaks, his voice muffled against Jim's chest. "Can we 
make this better, Jim?"

"I want to try," Jim said honestly. "I want you to come back 
home and I want to be your best friend again." He pressed his 
cheek against Blair's curls. "I don't want you to ever cry 
because of me again."

"I'm not crying," Blair denied, but Jim could feel the dampness 
against the front of his shirt.

"Liar," Jim whispered. "I love you, Blair."

Blair's arms tightened convulsively, then the tears came in 
earnest as he let go for the first time in the weeks since this had 
all started.

Jim carefully eased them both to the side of the nearest bed and 
sat at the edge, cradling Blair close as he cried, adding his own 
tears as the impact set in. They sat there together until Blair 
slipped into sleep and still Jim held him.

He'd learned the hard way just how much he stood to lose, and 
as he felt Blair's breathing even and the tears dry he whispered 
a quiet promise to them both, and to the jungle night, and to 
the panther and wolf who lay near the door, watching 
solemnly.

"We'll make it better. I will be your best friend again, the kind 
of friend you deserve." He smiled and threaded his fingers 
through tousled chocolate brown curls, leaning to brush a kiss 
against one smooth temple. "I won't ever forget who matters 
most, Blair."



end