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This story is the property of the author.
Warning: Spoilers for Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Shounen ai. This story deals with a m/m relationship. If you don't like it, go away.
Whispers in the Darkness
"I only pray, that when you know the truth, you won't let me go."
His words are whispers against my lips, and I have the sudden feeling that something big has just happened and I missed it.
He settles beside me once again and after several moments I feel his breathing slow and even out.
What did he mean by that? What are you hiding from me Kuru? And why do I have a feeling that one word from you could destroy my entire world and rebuild it in an instant?
I want him to wake up and tell me what he meant. I want him to hold me in his arms, to touch me, kiss me, until this feeling fades away and all I can feel is the security of being held in his arms. I've found something with him, here in this quiet, dark little room, something I don't want to lose.
What happened between us tonight was beyond my expectations, beyond my dreams. When I invited myself to Kaworu's home, I had thought that maybe we would talk, learn about each other, become friends. I had never had real friends before I came to Tokyo 3 and now I found myself wanting more.
I'd hoped he would touch me again.
That there could be pleasure in being touched was something I could understand - in theory. In practice it had never made much sense, and in my own, empty life, there had been no sign that physical contact was brought about by anything other than anger or dismissal. Worse, though, was when it never came at all, as if I was a doll, to be gawked at and complimented on by strangers, or a servant, a slave, to do as I was bid, kept as long as it was convenient to have me around, then to be disposed of the instant I was no longer useful.
Then I came here. To Tokyo 3, to NERV, and for a while it seemed as if everyone was trying to get their hands on the new guy. Ritsuko's touch was clinical and detached, Kaji's comfortable. Rei was never one for unnecessary physical contact, shunning emotionalism - something she learned from my father, I'm sure. Asuka - I haven't a clue what motivates Asuka. Not even God does.
But the others... It was Misato who first touched me with genuine concern and affection. Kensuke who offered a shoulder to cry on, despite my refusal to accept it. Toji who showed me that an arm slung across my shoulders or a clap on the back could demonstrate friendship in a way I'd never understood before.
Toji... The familiar pang of - grief, fear anger? Whatever the pain is that I feel whenever I think of Toji. One of my first real friends, lost to a war he'd had no part in starting and wanted no part of, consumed by an insanity that I'd helped bring into his life. It hurts so much to think of him the way I saw him last... his body, so broken...
A small sound escapes me and I clench my fists, trying to block out the memory. Not tonight. Kaworu promised no pain tonight.
Almost as if he hears me, Kaworu shifts beside me and the next thing I know he's sprawled atop me, his arms crossing above my head. His head rests on my shoulder, his breath warming the side of my throat. I can feel him everywhere, a warm, living, human blanket. We are chest to chest, hip to hip, legs lying alongside or across each other. The pain of Toji's loss fades beneath the nearly overwhelming joy of Kaworu's presence. I wrap my arms across his back and smile, looking down at his hair, silver silk shining in the moonlight and wonder how anything can feel this good, this right. Even his slightest touch is gentle, and filled with... love.
He said those words to me tonight. "Suki da. I like you, Shinji." And later, when we were together, he leaned over me and kissed me - one amongst many I'd received tonight. "Ai shiteiru," he'd whispered against my lips. "I love you."
I'd never in my life felt what I'd felt then. Loved, cherished, wanted, needed even, and I can't say which surprised me more.
I'd been so afraid it wasn't what I'd thought it was, that those two words had been only that: two words spoken in the heat of the moment and forgotten immediately after. I almost hadn't believed it, but every nerve in my body sang in joy at his slightest touch and his smiles were brighter than sunshine. How could I not believe in something so wonderfully, overwhelmingly perfect?
I believe you love me, Kaworu.
I know that in a way I've never known anything before. Is this trust? Faith?
Love?
I don't care what your secrets are, Kuru-chan. No matter what happens, I'll never let you go.
Ai shiteiru, Kaworu. Itsu mo.
owari
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